Talking about the process of friendship often sounds like the following:
Step 1 – Meet a new person that you want to befriend
Step 2 – Start talking and spending time together
Step 3 – ???
Step 4 – Profit
We know that the profit is the enriching experience of having a close friend, but how did we get there? What is in those question marks, hiding in the journey from new friends to bosom buds?
Friendships are an investment. Not in the way that real estate can be an investment, but rather in the same way that a garden is an investment. There is work, but the work is already part of the reward. To get more mileage from this simile: there are different aspects to garden maintenance. Watering, weeding, harvesting, and the like. Tending to these tasks makes for a thriving space while contributing to your own wellbeing.
For ongoing friendship, those components – taken from Dr. Debra L Oswald’s book chapter “Maintaining Long-Lasting Friendships” – are openness, positivity, supportiveness, and interaction. Tending to these four ingredients will make for a thriving relationship.
Here’s what that can look like…
Openness
How do you connect two closed-off points? By definition, you can’t. This component can be the crux of many people’s anxieties. Feeling comfortable while vulnerable is a skill that takes a lot of work for most, but that vulnerability – putting yourself out there – is essential for real, meaningful connections. It’s incredibly rewarding to have someone reciprocate the welcome and support that you have shown them. Openness boils down to a well-worn sentiment: don’t try to be someone you are not. Bring forth the best parts of you, sure, but make sure you feel honest in them. Be generous in the way that you can be rather than how someone else might be.
Positivity
Some people are easy to interact with and a joy to keep around. Spending time with them makes us feel good. That “I feel comfortable in my own skin” and “it was so pleasant to be around them” kind of good. The key to being that person for others? Be welcoming. Positivity doesn’t have to be a constant ‘happy’ or a stream of praise. Rather, positivity is about receiving each other favorably. It’s confidence in your old friends and optimism for new pals. You and your friend can have a maudlin time together but still feel that the experience was positive for having gone through it together. The enjoyment of your company, welcoming as it can be, will make them look forward to your next meeting.
Supportiveness
Beyond just being pleasant to be around, true friends are who we go to when we need support. People who lend you an ear, a shoulder, or a hand are dearer than the fair-weather friends who are around for fun and not much else. Support starts small. It’s not always about problem-solving or resource sharing (though that is some people’s way to show they care). It’s often just about active listening. It’s showing genuine interest in another’s wellbeing, which is the equivalent of neon arrow signs pointing at you going “eligible friend material!” It’s doubtful that anyone was surprised when studies came back identifying empathy, alongside generosity, as a starring trait in people with long-lasting, meaningful friendships. Asking what’s on your friend’s mind and then respecting, engaging with, and caring about what they express will get you far.
Interaction
Did you know that it takes about 200 hours to become someone’s close friend? Here’s another perspective: that’s about 8 and 1⁄2 days of quality time. It’s doable, but it takes doing. The best thing to do? Initiate! Reach out to those you want that time with. Communicating regularly is how all the previous components come together to form a closer friendship. And if one of you has dropped the ball – no matter. Reach out and contact each other out of the blue. It’s really nice to receive a call or a text from someone who thought about you and wanted to reach out. You will find yourselves picking up where you last left off with a microdose of nostalgia.
Looking at it, it’s joyous work that turns an acquaintance into a close companion. The results, too, are very much worth it. Getting to share your life with others elevates your experiences in so many ways. Your social skills sharpen, your outlook on life improves, and more opportunities find their way to you. Strong social connections have even been proven to make for better health, both physical and mental, throughout one’s life.
If you run into any bumps in the road, keep in mind that working through disagreements makes personal relationships stronger. The garden doesn’t have to be all roses. Or perhaps that should be a metaphor about the roses’ thorns? Ah, you get it.
And when you find a friend that really meshes with you, try to meet more of their social circle. Entire social networks begin from a single connection. Those are fresh leads on other, pre-certified friends.
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