Socializing – getting to know others, making friends, deepening conversations – is a skill set. There’s no getting around it and I will holler that truth off the top of the mountains until I run out of yells.
However, alongside practicing those skills, there is a way to work directly on the core of your social magnetism. In fact, it can be done solo in an empty room.
Ask yourself: what draws you to other people?
Most answers can be boiled down to “that person makes me feel good.” Obviously, that’s a major simplification, but it holds up to scrutiny. We are drawn to people that have what we’re looking for, whether that’s kinship, support, or intrigue. They might present like the type of person we mesh well with, or maybe we heard them talk about a topic that’s near and dear to our heart. Maybe we’re both stuck in an awkward situation and happen to lock incredulous eyes, or one has rushed to support the other in a moment of need.
But that’s just the meeting. A magnet isn’t very good if it only pulls things towards it at the start and then has them drift off.
Okay, so let’s ask ourselves: what keeps us drawn to other people?
It’s just a small modification – the original statement still holds. We are kept drawn to people who make us feel good about ourselves.
Just flattery won’t do. It’s nice, but a temporary niceness that feels forced if overdone. I’m talking about the opposite of that. The kind of feel-good where spending time together is near effortless and everyone gets to be their most genuine self in the moment. It’s a rare feeling in a world where most are constantly matching themself to their environment, watching out for social cues, and deciding on what should stay inside versus what should come out.
People will flock to someone who gives them a reprieve from all that. Want to be a bona fide social magnet? Be that reprieve for them.
Here are a few methods to get started, no interactions required.
Invest in your hobbies and interests
Something lights a spark in you, pulls your attention and gets you excited. Whatever that topic is – dive into it! Become an active participant in something that makes you happy.
That’s the key word: active. Not necessarily physically! It can be an active hobby, sure, but we’re talking about mental investment here. Learn more about your interests – history, facts, perspectives, debates… whatever you like. Try to create new things and take on new projects. See what neighboring fields might attract your attention next. Then dive into those!
Being an active participant in your own enrichment means you have more to share, more to relate to, and more to get excited by. It’s hard to have a boring conversation with someone who knows how to be interested in things. You will find conversations more enjoyable, and others will feel good talking to you.
Meditate (in whatever form works)
A lot of our charisma is expressed through body language. Want a powerful boost to your social pull? Without worrying about the talking part just yet? Work on your physicality.
That’s where meditation comes in. It doesn’t have to look like the movies. Meditation can be practiced in a cross-legged sit, sure, but it can also take the form of walking meditation, exercise meditation, even cleaning or cooking meditation. That’s all under the umbrella of ‘active meditation,’ which emphasizes the philosophy that meditation is about the energy used in the activity rather than the activity itself. Go slow, focus on your breathing, pay attention to the physical sensations of moving your body in the world, and practice mindfulness however works for you.
Meditation strengthens the mind-body connection and trains your mind to be able to better ground itself. A small amount of daily practice can bring an incredible amount of change over time. Give it a try and see how the vibes in your social encounters change for the better.
Reevaluate expectations
For a bit of a deeper dive, take a moment to level with your past experiences. Are you the kind of person that’s too hard on yourself? Or someone that’s always finding fault in others? Do you lose confidence when a scenario doesn’t go as imagined? Or disconnect if there’s no instant connection?
Now may not be the time for a breakthrough that would have a therapist weeping in joy, but make a note of your thoughts anyways. All those potential situations are a result of mismatched expectations. Setting standards is an important thing to do for yourself, but if you start clocking a pattern of let-downs, you might be setting a bar that reality won’t be able to reach just yet.
Recognition is the first step to fixing anything. Taking a moment to think about your tendencies is great practice for buffing emotional intelligence. The better you understand your own challenges, the better you’ll be able to empathize with others, and the better your camaraderie will be.
All in all
Meeting people is a matter of opportunity. Social magnetism helps you keep them around. Learning and bettering ourselves lets us optimize positive interactions with others and build healthy, long-term friendships. It’s a lifelong process that one can always work on by themself.
Luckily, it’s also a self-encouraging process that’s super enjoyable when done with the friends formed along the way!
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